I have been having a hard time the last month or two (who hasn’t right??)
And it all came to a head… HARD!!
Right on what was supposed to be the 1st day of trying out my new webcam setup, I completely canceled the show. No warning. No real explanation (until now).
I haven’t recorded hardly any new content. Stretches of not eating at all. It’s been a mess. I’ve been a mess.
Everything was new and so raw with therapy opening up a lot of old wounds and traumas…
And I just found out I have a NEW tumor from my gyno but apparently this one isn’t supposed to be serious, called a fibroid, but I still have to have it rechecked in a couple months to be sure…
And I was suffering my longest PMDD (PMS on steroids!!) yet THEN a HUUUUGE hurricane decided I needed one MORE thing to push me over the edge.
It did. It did. Full on panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, my body was fully seized up, I couldn’t do anything but be in the fetal position, just broken.
My body still hurts from it now days later. I needed something to help, I was ready to reach for anything, even have had thoughts of drinking for the first time since getting sober over a decade ago.
I was grasping for straws, looking up medical marijuana, reaching out to all my therapists (yes, I actually have MULTIPLE therapists right now) AND my medical doctor but it was Sunday!! 🙁
My doctor is amazing though and called back personally and knew I needed help and couldn’t handle everything that’s going on.
He said with my past addictions he wouldn’t be comfortable with prescribing me something if it wasn’t for me also going through therapy at the same time.
So he prescribed low dose Xanax for those moments when all my other new coping skills I’m learning aren’t enough. Luckily, that was never one of my main go-to’s before my sober days anyway.
I already wasn’t doing great but the full fear I have of storms (I was super young when Hugo hit HARD in Myrtle Beach) and a big fucking monster new hurricane coming right at us… with us IN AN RV (first major storm since we went full time).
It was too much and my body and mind broke. I try so hard to always be ok and I absolutely wasn’t.
I pushed myself so long and for so hard that as soon as I started to open up it all became too much. I will never allow myself to put that much stress on my body again.
I am not 100% better yet obviously but I am not in the same state I was during the panic attack.
I’m still doing therapy multiple days a week to help move forward. Xanax will only be a small part of my healing in emergency situations and working on finding my triggers and ways to help keep my mind and body more relaxed and less anxious.
So laying it all out like this makes me feel vulnerable but I have always tried to be more open and honest than most.
I don’t want to hide or hold back if my story can help even just 1 person decide to get help and realize they’re not alone.
I’ve already heard from so many over the years that say my sobriety has been their inspiration to get sober too, and I’d love to be that same positive influence on more people being ok seeking therapy and counseling too.
Going through this for so long has been hard but I am ready to continue this journey, darkest before the dawn, to find my fucking ray of sunshine!!
So now with all that out of the way the show must go on!! I’m doing a test tomorrow, Thursday September 29 at 1pm Eastern US time just to actually try out the new system and see how it works.
You’ll still meet me at the same link that you’re used to for my weekly live shows.
So if you’re already Bronze or higher or ANY type of current paying member of my site before the change in a few days, then I’ll make sure you still have access to my live weekly shows for as long as you stay a member 🙂
So many exciting new things happening behind the scenes cumming very soon including this:
Silver Membership Spots Open NOW
Some new Silver Membership spots are now open!!
Here’s the benefits of upgrading to Silver:
- Silver Bonus: Download My Videos
Bronze members only have streaming ability, but active recurring Silver members can download up to 3 videos per day in your 1st month and unlimited downloads after your first rebill.
(Gold members have unlimited downloads from day 1 with no restrictions.) - Silver Bonus: LIVE Webcam Shows
Bronze members can only watch replays of my live OF webcam shows, but Silver members get LIVE access to ALL my cam shows, no per minute fees, totally free and included with your membership. - Silver Bonus: Free Access to My OnlyFans
Bronze members can buy access to my OnlyFans separately, but Silver members get a free one month subscription to my OnlyFans and a free YEAR subscription after your first rebill.
(Gold members get a free YEAR subscription from day 1 and upgraded “Love’R” priority status in my 1on1 personal Direct Messages there.) - Silver Bonus: Custom Content Discount
Silver members get 25% off EVERYthing on the store page including custom videos, 1on1 webcam chats, and more.
(Gold Members get 50% off) - Silver Bonus: Personalized Video Message
Silver members get a free personalized video message after your first rebill, 30 to 60 seconds of me saying hi to you in whatever way you like best
(Gold Members get the free personalized video message right after joining.)
You can see the full details and comparisons on joining right here:
Cum Join Me…
If you’ve been on the fence about joining or just haven’t rejoined in a while, NOW would be a great time to join the fun right HERE now!! 🙂
Now even MORE to add to my realest deepest darkest bio ever, at least for now right in the middle of this next big adventure!! 🙂
I’ve put out a brand new full video every single day for YEARS and YEARS with THOUSANDS built up in my members’ area now!! 🙂
Cum get caught up in my members’ area right HERE!! 🙂
Did you know I post a brand new video EVERY SINGLE DAY on my site in my members’ only section?? 🙂 Cum join me inside to see what else you’re missing out on… 😉
Weekly Videos Screencap Recap
This was another fun and busy week with LOTS of custom video orders, so check out the screencap recap below and join now or login to the video page to watch any or all of them:
Don’t forget…
And don’t forget my next live weekly members’ show is a quick test TOMORROW Thursday afternoon, September 29, 2022 at 1pm Eastern US time right HERE (if you can’t make it, all the replays from all past shows are there too)
Did you know I post a brand new video EVERY SINGLE DAY on my site in my members’ only section?? 🙂 Cum join me inside to see what else you’re missing out on… 😉
you are a strong person and if you ever need to talk I’m here for you my shoulder reaches a long way
You are strong and proud that you continued on your journey, I know how hard it can be from personal experience. Glad you reached out because it takes more strength to do that than not to.
I am in not totally religious person but I am a believer and I have been getting your blogs emailed to me every week for months now and I want you to know I understand what you are feeling and going through even to this day. Somebody once read this to me it’s from the Bible Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. It has helped me get through some of my toughest moments and there have been alot. Proverbs 31:25-29 makes me think of you and I hope this helps you as well. Proverbs 31:25-29 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
I am praying for you and I apologize for sounding like a preaching Bible thumper.
With PTSD there is no 100% better there are just states of OK. Find a good state, get out of your head (said the pot to the kettle), and get help getting to OK again. Stay safe.
There is no problem you have that taking a drink (or drug) won’t make WORSE!
i cannot imagine the darkness you’re facing. no one can. and i know (from personal experience) that, even when someone tells you, you’re not alone….it can still feel like you are.
i would just hope, with all my heart, that you will stay strong. cause i have 100% certainty that you can make it through this. how do i know?….because you’ve made it this far, and you haven’t given up!! the fact that you didn’t actually “reach for the bottle” proves how strong you are! you went to other sources and resources to make healthy choices. that’s strength!!! facing the darkest part of yourself and choosing to not go down the “easy” and destructive path to get a quick break like so many other do. breaking down doesn’t show weakness….it shows strength to face the most difficult parts within you and allow yourself to deal with them.
you are so strong. stronger than you can even realize.
after reading some of the things you’ve written about what’s happening (i don’t know if you’re a fan or not but), i keep thinking of a couple of lines from one of the Harry Potter movies. “Dark and difficult times lay ahead. soon we much all chose between what is easy, and what is right…..remember, you have friends here” (please don’t ever forget that last part!!)
Stay the course. do what you need to….what is best and right for you. your true fans will support you. we care about you…..and we’re not going anywhere!
(“if you can’t take care of yourself, you’re no good to anyone”)